Comments on: Chapter Nine, First Draft

By: Sue

Sue — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 02:54:17 +0000

Suwheet! Altho, I feel as if I’m cheating…having waited to read this ‘book’ when pretty much the entire thing is complete! (lol)

Know that some of these chapters now are in the ‘first draft’ stage….but since I started reading/catching…will just continue to do that. (hee hee)

love it love it!!

“He looks at me very seriously, then clears the plate in front of him. He puts a spoon in the center of his plate, looks over his shoulder to make sure the lone waiter guy is not around, then puts his hand over the spoon. He sort of bounces his hand five inches above the spoon, then takes a finger and—I swear—without touching it, it starts to spin. Like, fast. Like, seriously…without him touching it.”

Curious…what was on the plate that he had to clear from it? (blush) Could be I’ve just never had the privilege of being in an “upper-class” restaurant…so would he have cleared the napkin from the plate, or?

““From what I have been able to figure out—since no one will actually tell me—what you call “magic” runs in the family. All of us. Anna, Gran-Bea, and Jake. Even Aunt Helene. There was some huge blow up, and I think it was about them the twins teaching me something once I am of legal age. I’ve pieced together that much over the years.””

Enclose ‘the twins’ in commas. “….it was about them, the twins, teaching….”

““I also know she made a commitment to my mother, right before she died, which was only a few days after I was born. I once overheard Anna and Aunt Helene arguing about it. I think that commitment was to keep me from learning the magic until I was an adult. But I already have it. That’s what you have to tell her. I have it! And I don’t know what to do with it. Or why I have it. Or what it means. And now, seeing Aunt Anna like that…””

Okay..I know we (the readers) get the idea of who the “she” is that died. But, the way it’s worded above could actually be read as if Anna died.

“…I also know she (Anna) made a commitment to my mother, right before she (Anna) died, which was only a few days after I was born….”

I realise that’s not how it is…but connecting those 2 she’s together…see how it could be read that way?

What about reconstructing that sentence all together? Something like, “My mother died only a few days after I was born, and I know that Anna made a commitment with her before that happened.” Or some such?? (blush)

By: Alana

Alana — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 10:26:22 +0000

Ooooh the plot thickens and the excitement grows.

By: Robin Rice

Robin Rice — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:17:08 +0000

Question, Nadine… I agree about cliches totally, but when it is someone’s head/voice as a character, what if that character would use the cliche in her own thinking. Is it okay then? Or does a 16 year old never really use that term? One thing I have realized in writing first drafts is that I’m not doing a lot of the detail work in language that will come later…that is the fine brush stroke that comes later. First draft is just laying down the story–getting it on the page. I will do a full rewrite with more sights, sounds, textures, etc…, and more specific language tags, too. In other words, one character will use certain words like but, and, while another will use however, nonetheless, etc… Right now, story, story, story. But good always to keep the cliche concern up front and center…a true no-no.

By: Robin Rice

Robin Rice — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 21:14:01 +0000

So glad you are on the edge of your chair… hope we continue to please! Hugs, Robin

By: Camille Olivia Strate

Camille Olivia Strate — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:02:23 +0000

Robin~ I waited a bit before returning, in hopes there’d be ‘a few’ chapters to read. I, like the others here, am so intrigued and anxious for MORE! Bravo, Miz Rice. You have us dangling! Hugs~

By: Nadine

Nadine — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 21:44:29 +0000

Great chapter. I enjoyed reading it but would avoid using cliches such as “brown nose.”

By: Wendy Elwell

Wendy Elwell — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:41:35 +0000

It keeps getting better! LOVE the “can’t get my mouth to hook up with my brain.” And the dinner at 6 twist! Confused about one thing at the end when she ‘feels really really happy’ is that because Michael was stunned, because Michael is going to be living there? because she met Michael or all of the above?

Also, one minor edit…..since you requested them…in the paragraph that begins “From what I have been able to figure out….. near the end you may want to omit either ‘them’ or ‘the twins’ as it seems like them is referring to the twins?

Can’t wait for Chapter 10!!!!!!!!!!!!

By: Becky

Becky — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:25:46 +0000

Hi Robin,
I have been enjoying following Mayden’s adventures for a while now, and really enjoying. I have to admit that Michael still is a bit, well, I guess the best word is creepy. I feel sorry for him, but at the same time he has proved that he can really play a role well and I am not sure he is not telling Mayden exactly what she needs to hear. Hopefully Anna can see through him…To whatever is underneath. He is powerful, and controlled, but I can’t be sure if that is a good thing or not. Or maybe I just liked Jake as a character better, and am biased.
Anyhow, I eagerly await the next chapter!

By: Shirin

Shirin — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:43:48 +0000

So sad to see the chapter end!!! Looking forward to the next one!

By: Desi

Desi — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:30:41 +0000

Great 8th and 9th chapter! The Story gets better by every chapter, and will be intresting to see how Micheal and Anna get along, and if she will trust him. I am really enjoying the chapters of this book, I love to read and this is fun, being able to comment and see other peoples comments also! Great story Robin!!!