Comments on: Chapters 1-4, Second Drafts

By: Cessalee

Cessalee — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 01:43:44 +0000

sorry i am mentioning this, because it is so small but you are missing the letter “s” in chapter 1 paragraph three where it says “Even Dad has to ring the buzzer and remind whoever is behind the desk that he’s the guy who own the place.”

By: Sue

Sue — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 01:52:56 +0000

(lol) “And did you like it?” (rofl) Are you kidding? You are kidding, right? (hee hee) This story hits home…big time! ;~)

By: Robin Rice

Robin Rice — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 23:17:17 +0000

And did you like it? Love and thanks and hugs!

By: Sue

Sue — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 23:12:06 +0000

(hee hee) Ok then. Chapter 3: ““How do you know that?” I plead to know. I like to think of not quite so easy to read. But she seems to see right through me.”

Wondering if the part where Mayden says, “I like to think of not quite so easy to read.” should have another word in there, maybe “I like to think of not *being* quite so easy to read.” ?

Chapter 4: “What could she have meant, I wonder for the billionth time, that if anyone could help Scottie, it was her sister? How, if she’s not a vet? She talked about magic, but does she really expect me to believe in that? I mean, hocus pocus is all well and good, and I’m al for learning it. With Scottie’s life is at stake. Don’t I need a little more than that? And anyway, how could the magic keep us safe? From what?”

“….hocus pocus is all well and good, and I’m al for learning ….” (add an ‘l’ to ‘al’)

“…With Scottie’s life is at stake….” (delete “is” or maybe change the first word to “When”)

Chapter 4: ““What’s wrong with Scottie?” he asks, poking a finger through the travel cage. It’s not good if someone can see the problem even through the mesh. Not that I don’t know it’s not good. I just don’t know how to face it not being good, so I keep pretending it can’t be that bad, even though it is. And then someone like Anna, and now Rod, remind me.”

Last sentence…add an ’s’ to ‘remind’.

:~)

By: Robin Rice

Robin Rice — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 10:50:03 +0000

Thanks Sue! Especially now that we are in second draft mode, every edit helps! We didn’t worry about it first draft as an example to other writers… let that go first draft. But now, edit away! Glad to have you along for the read… Robin

By: Sue

Sue — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 03:02:38 +0000

Hello Robin. ) Just started reading this..very intriguing. Embarrassed to say that I ‘read and correct’ all the time. Bad habit. Looks like you enjoy the ‘oops’ that people catch tho, so will share what I’ve found.

In Chapter 2, paragraph of: ““Woa! You answered me.”

The first word most likely would be “Whoa!”

Paragraph: ““Yes, you understand. These are my ancestors. The women who begat me, and those who begatthem. ”

The last word…break it apart to “begat them” .

Am finding a few more..but stopping with those above. (grin) Also, love reading stories back to front and upside down..really helps in finding errors, too, (hee hee) so if you ever need help doing that..would be honored with helping. (grin)

Sue

By: Robin Rice

Robin Rice — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 12:41:36 +0000

So glad you are enjoying, Alana, from half way around the world! Also very glad the emotional/sensory experience is coming through. Neat to know about the Whakapapa! It’s all the same, only different, the world over. Thanks so much for commenting! Hugs! Robin

By: Alana

Alana — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 11:39:19 +0000

Up late tonight reading and look forward to read the next chapters soon. Gosh I love that Scottie in this story is held in such high regard. Kewl! I enjoy the character interactions and the inner processing with Julie; yet most importantly appreciate the dialogue between Julie and Anna, as I can personally relate with intuitive perception and communications very much. Also can relate well with these specific characters and storyline. The reciting or singing of ancestor names is indeed powerful and I appreciate that its woven into the story…for here in New Zealand the Maori will often introduce their Whakapapa (wha pronounced fa)family/lineage as a way of being fully present and spiritually connected within themselves and with their ancestors.

Gees its getting spooky with the water walking bit. I’m starting to really get into the emotional/sensory experience and the mystery. Magic is really important in life! Heart magic, and I feel it underlying this story. Thank you for sharing these chapters here with us and providing us the opportunity to give feedback.

Cheers….Alana

By: Alesia

Alesia — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 06:09:14 +0000

I really love this! I love the suspense, magic, and all of the emotions. Mayden’s character is very realistic. Her reactions to everything that’s going on are very well done. I know if that was happening to me I’d have quite a similar reaction.
It’s all so exciting! I’m constantly eager to know what’s going to happen next, and how the characters are going to evolve.
Very cool!

By: Diane Schulstad

Diane Schulstad — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 03:46:44 +0000

Oh! So intriguing, so mysterious, so inviting! I’m SO glad you found me so that I could find you and find this… “I chose you because you have the markings of one the magic is fond of. The things you see at night? The voices you hear? That is the magic trying to reach you.” — yes, got to love that! It is, of course, the truth. I love the line: “I didn’t mean I have seen him with you. I mean I have seen him around you.” I am always looking for clues in life — the constant patterns that remind us of the Truth. You have given me bountiful clues today! My sincere thanks, and I will be following this wonderful story. The offering to the Muse is working!